I'm afraid of many things. I'm afraid of spiders - just the thought of a spider touching me is enough to send me into hysterical fits. I'm afraid of heights - when I was in high school, I couldn't climb to the top of the bleachers for fear I would fall off (or more likely that someone would push me off). I fear death - I fear losing my mom, my brother, or god forbid, one of my children. I don't think I could survive that kind of loss. I fear flying - actually, I think what I really fear is the plane crashing and me dying a horrible painful death. I fear something happening to one of my children.
But terror to me says "paralyzing, breath-stealing, agonizing fear". So none of the things I've already listed really cut it. What really terrifies me, bone-deep heart-stopping terrifies me, is the thought of my youngest son somehow ending up in the custody of his father. For this to make sense, you probably need some back-story.
Phillip (my ex) has issues, to say the least. He's an alcoholic. He has drug dependency issues. He has anger issues. He has issues keeping his mouth shut and his hands to himself. He has a rap sheet as long as I am tall. Granted, I'm short but still, that's one hell of an arrest record. He's violent and he's stupid - two qualities that should never mix. I really think that he is a product of his parents. His mother is a lush - the only time I ever met her, she started drinking in the morning, kept it up all day, and passed out around 6 in a drunken stupor. She used to prop Phillip up in his car seat with a beer. No wonder he's an alcoholic, right? She's also a tramp. Phillip and his sister watched their father shoot their mother's lover in the neck once. I think he was maybe 4 when that happened but I can't recall exactly what he told me. His father has enough guns in his house to invade Cuba. I know. I've seen them. That fact worries me not a little. Phillip's sister actually moved to another part of the state to keep Phillip from moving in with her when he got out of prison the last go-round.
I haven't let my son spend time at my ex-inlaws in a year. I do let them meet with us at a restaurant so they can at least see Drake. I won't allow them in my home or on my property though. That might seem harsh but to me, it's all about keeping my child safe from harm. That's my job. And I absolutely quake in fear at the thought of Phillip being responsible for Drake's well-being. The very thought of it scares me to the point of nausea. How can anyone who can't stay out of jail long enough to keep a job and maintain a home be responsible for a child? What if I let them take Drake for a weekend and Phillip decides to run off with him? How will I ever get him back? I refuse to take that chance. I refuse to fail as a mother. I couldn't live with myself if something happens to Drake on my watch.
Don't forget to check out the other great entries at therealljidol.
Also, just to clarify, I do have 2 children but my ex has no claim, blood or otherwise, on my oldest child. I've never allowed Raven to spend time with any of my ex-people without me.
I apologize that this isn't as well-written as I'd have liked it to be. I'm at work and trying to hurry up and get this entry in before time runs out without anyone catching me. =)