Fandom: The Walking Dead
Characters: Dr. Sexy Zombie (this guy) and bunches of other walkers. Mentions my honey Shane but not by name.
Warnings: This is crack!fic - meant to amuse and not to be taken all that seriously. You are also warned for language if that kinda thing bothers you.
Word Count: 1230 per wordcounter.net
A/N: My good friend gategurl and I both took a notice in Dr. Sexy!Zombie in the finale episode of TWD (2x13: Beside the Dying Fire). She noticed that Dr. Sexy!Zombie was not present at the barn-burning and we wondered if maybe he was just wandering about in the woods the whole time. Then this popped into my head and voila! Crack!fic is born. Thank you to gategurl for betaing this for me! <3 You rock, bb!
Please note that I do not own these characters - Robert Kirkman and AMC and all those cool people have that honor. I just take them out and play with them every now and then. There are several pop culture references in this piece: 1 - Dr. Sexy is a Supernatural reference; 2 - "Swim down together" is a Finding Nemo reference (my kid was watching the movie while I was writing and it just sorta seemed to work); "Tonight we dine in hell" is a 300 reference.
Translation for zombie speak is in parentheses. I really hope you like it!
It was a beautiful August day, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie, MD thought he was dealing pretty well with being a zombie. No more bills, no more overnight pages to report to surgery, no more taxes… life was pretty sweet. Sure, he smelled terrible and had a gaping wound in his neck, but at least it didn’t hurt anymore.
He rounded a corner, hoping to find something to eat on the next block. Pickings were getting pretty slim in the city. Some of his fellow walkers were resorting to eating animals, but he hadn’t gotten quite that desperate. Yet. It was close though.
Instead of fresh meat, he found a pretty large herd of walkers headed out of town. Not having anything better to do (and Dr. Sexy!Zombie always did enjoy a good party), he fell into step with his undead brethren.
After a couple of miles, he turned to one of his herd mates and said, “GRAAAAAGH! Grrg aagh mmmrh?” (Hey man! Where are we going?)
The walker turned to Dr. Sexy!Zombie and gave a ghastly smile. “Guuurgh ugh aaagh.” (Something came through the sky, made a big noise. It might be lunch so we’re following.)
Dr. Sexy!Zombie stopped shambling. He looked up, searching for whatever had made the supposed “big noise.” By the time he realized that whatever it was had long gone, he was at the back of the herd.
“Grrgh. Ugh.” (Oh well. Might as well keep going.)
The herd shambled on for miles and miles. Every now and then, the leaders would come across animals and the stray person or two. Most of the walkers got at least a bite or two, but it wasn’t nearly enough to sate their voracious appetites.
As the herd wandered, their numbers grew. Dr. Sexy!Zombie was shocked to discover that the herd now numbered in the hundreds. “Uuuurgh.” (Damn, where’d all these walkers come from?)
One evening, just before sunset, the herd came to a halt. Dr. Sexy!Zombie bumped into the back of the walker in front of him. “Maaahhg!” (Sorry, lady. Why’d we stop? Are we there yet?)
Word passed back from the front of the herd that there was a fence in the way. “Graagh muuurh.” (Everyone! Swim down together!)
As one, the herd pushed forward. Dr. Sexy!Zombie was concerned for his brethren in the front of the herd. Surely the pressure from the rest of the herd was smooshing the ones in the front against the fence!
Suddenly, the group surged forward, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie nearly lost his footing. As the group shambled on through the field, he saw the remains of the fence, crunched and broken by the feet of a hundred zombies. “Mwaaaaaaawl ggrh!” (Ha! Fences can’t hold us back, bitches!)
Darkness fell as the herd crossed through the woods. They heard a loud sound, just one, and began to shuffle off in the direction of the noise. As they came out into an open field, the walkers in the front of the herd began to moan and grunt in excitement. Word spread through the herd; finally, after their many days of shambling about, they were about to get their reward. On the far end of the field, two figures raced toward a farmhouse.
“Guugh ragh argh,” the leaders assured. (Where there are two, there are more. Tonight, we dine in hell!)
Dr. Sexy!Zombie followed his herd mates as they shuffled through the field, thinking that it really was a lovely night for a stroll through the wilderness. His mind wandering, he didn’t see the man’s body lying in the grass until he’d already tripped over it.
“Guuuh,” he moaned. (What the hell? Somebody just left dinner lying here? Awesome!)
Dr. Sexy!Zombie sagged to the ground next to the man, prodding him with his knee. There was no response from the man, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie noticed that the man felt different, not like dinner. He wasn’t warm; he wasn’t soft. He wasn’t screaming in terror. “Gragh,” he said. (Damn. I’m really hungry.)
Realizing that the man must be one of his own kind, Dr. Sexy!Zombie poked the man’s chest and said, “Guurgh arrrh mrh.” (Come on, brother, join us! There’s food just over the hill!)
He waited a few moments, hoping to see some response, but there was none. Dr. Sexy!Zombie, thinking that there had to be something he could do, thumped the man’s chest with his fist. “Grrrrrahhhgg!” (Dude! Get up!)
Loud noises rang out through the night. Dr. Sexy!Zombie raised his head in excitement. Abandoning the man’s body, he struggled to his feet and began to shamble toward the sounds. “Raargh!” (Food! Woo hoo!)
By the time Dr. Sexy!Zombie reached the source of the noise, there wasn’t much left of what had once been a beautiful farm. The barn was on fire and beginning to crumble to the ground. Several of his herd mates had evidently been inside the barn when it started to burn; there were quite a few of them stumbling about, the hair and clothes still aflame.
“Guurgh rargh mrh,” he told them. (Stop, drop, and roll, you idiots.) He shook his head and kept walking. As he came around the side of the barn, he caught several of his herd mates licking what was left of their lips as they finished of the last of… something.
“Maaargh?!” (What was that that you’re eating?)
The little group of walkers actually looked guilty; Dr. Sexy!Zombie didn’t know that was even still possible. “Mrh.” (Boy. He was tasty.)
“Gragh?” (Did you save me any?)
The little group of walkers shuffled and looked at the ground. One of them finally looked up and said, “Grrh.” (… No.)
Dr. Sexy!Zombie made what might have been a sigh, if he could still breathe, and shambled away from them. Across the flattened, dirt-packed drive, he saw another group of walkers hunched over the remains of something. He hurried over to the group, but his hopes were dashed as he realized that all that was left were bloody bones.
Dr. Sexy!Zombie groaned. “Mrh.” (What did y’all have to eat?)
“Guuhgrhh muurrrhg arg.” (It was a woman. She was very tasty, all juicy! Want a bone?)
Dr. Sexy!Zombie lost it. “GGGRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH
He snatched the proffered bone and stuck it in his mouth as he shuffled away from the group. He could feel that they were still staring at him as he went, and he gave a slight shudder. He never lost his temper that way. Being dead changed a man, so to speak.
As he wandered around the barnyard, he caught a glimpse of some of his herd mates shambling off through the woods. Tossing aside the bone he’d been gnawing on, he followed them, hoping that this next adventure would at least end with dinner.