The Little Zombie Who Could (1_rhiannon_1) wrote,
The Little Zombie Who Could
1_rhiannon_1

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Back to the grind...

Well, hell, the holiday is over now & somehow I still need a vacation. Somebody please 'splain that to me. I tried to rest, I swear I did. I took many naps and I didn't get a damn thing done that I really needed to do. I still don't feel like myself though. My ear is still stopped up so I can't hear out of one side and my back, hips, and legs have been screaming at me all day long. I'm still taking my meds though, so hopefully, it won't be long before I'm back to my normal bitchy self that doesnt't feel like road kill.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to sleep in until like noon, which was just lovely. Sigh! Threw my whole system out of whack but hey, I needed it. Then I came home for a while and attempted to clean up what might be my room if it didn't look like a demilitarized zone at the moment. I say attempt because I stumbled across my old diaries (kinda worries me that they were just laying about - I don't remember leaving them like that but hey, I can barely remember my own name so who knows?) and I had to sit down and start reading them. Somewhere in the middle I came to a very important realization about myself: I have never had a strong self-image, except for like 2 months after Phillip and I split up for good and I lost all that weight. I had a good self-esteem when I was still holding to the "no men except as toys" rule. Then I fucked up and fell for one and there went that. I thought that I had a good self-esteem until I started gaining the weight back, but I realized that it all hinged on whether or not I had anyone interested in me at the time. Hmmm...intriguing. But I still have no self-esteem and I have a man...I have a damn good man as a matter of fact. I'm loved, I'm petted, I'm told constantly that I'm loved and I get affection all the time. But I still can't stand the very thought of the sight of myself. So it has to be the weight that is dragging me down into blahness. So, must do something about this and see if that works. If not, there's something else that is causing the problem and I'll have to figure that out too.

I was distressed to rediscover that I have no diaries left from the time before I met my ex-husband (sorry sack of shit that he is). I had to shred them all because he was so insecure and nosy and abusive, I was afraid that he'd find them and read them and it'd start a fight. This is not over-reacting - there is a really good chance that that would've happened. We had some knock-down dragouts over like nothing at all.) That really sucks! I've kept a diary since like grade school and they're all gone except for like the past 2 years or so. =(  That makes me very sad. A lot of good stuff is gone. I've also noticed that I have a bad habit of starting a journal entry and never finishing it. That drove me nuts this weekend. I kept wondering "What the hell was I going to say?" and "What was I thinking then?" Irritating.

Work was kinda intense today. They were doing the quarterly and annual reviews and I don't think it went very well. No one really relaxed until the ofc mgr left. Then the mood completely changed. I've developed this really stupid habit of stuttering when I'm nervous or stressed though and it's really getting on my nerves. I think I was having some sort of breakdown though. A patient called to cancel her appointment and she said that it was for tomorrow. I finally found the appointment, not on tomorrow's schedule, and canceled it for her. I told my partner in crime when she came back from lunch that "Jane Public called to cancel her appointment for yesterday - today - tomorrow...oh hell, never mind, she just isn't coming in ever so don't expect her." Which was funny and we laughed and tension broke and all is well. But I went out to take a break and that just popped into my head and I'm sitting there laughing like an idiot at apparently nothing. Turns out that her appointment wasn't for yesterday, today, or tomorrow but the day after so she still isn't coming in. =) Yeah, I guess you just had to be there in my head. Can you see how I think I'm having a breakdown of some description?

I've also decided that the ofc mgr really doesn't like me. I don't know, it's just a feeling I get from her. Perhaps I'm paranoid. But it doesn't mean that someone isn't out to get me.

I got to go to a cookout with my hunny and then ride over to the park to watch the fireworks. I got to ride in the squad ambulance, which is always a trip for me. I enjoyed it. =) The fireworks were pretty good - a lot of pretty ones. I liked the ones that shone bright all the way up and just swirled into the smoke that was still in the air. It looked really cool. I was afraid that I'd gotten home too late and wouldn't be able to get up in time to shower and get to work on time, but it turns out that I kept waking up every hour or so, panicked because I just knew I was late. I woke up like that at 1:00, 2:30, 3:45, and 5:30. I hit the snooze until 6 and still made it. Can't do that when Drakey is here and I have to get him ready too, but when it's just me, no problem.

Well, I gotta run. I have to go get my stuff ready for tomorrow and take a shower. My hair has taken on the look and feel of straw. It's about to drive me mad! Later y'all. Take care...

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